Emerge into Forever Read online

  The friend I once had no longer exists—the guy he became—the one that hated and loved me in the same breath no longer exists. He’s a newer version of Dean that I don’t know. Someone else. A stranger.

  CHAPTER 29

  Seasons change. In fact, a lot changes but one-thing remains…Riley is still mine!

  Spring rolls into summer and before I know it I am back home with my girl. We have been a heap of hormones and can’t get enough of each other. It has been like that since I came home mid May. Well, with the exception to the week that I had been sick, running a fever and on antibiotics. She took care of me in the sweetest of ways by dressing up in this naughty nurse outfit and hand feeding me soup. I made her promise to wear it for me later when I was feeling better and could fully appreciate how sexy she is.

  It hasn’t happened yet because now she’s sick with her own virus—throwing up and unable to keep anything down. Of course, I’m playing Dr. Parker for her this go round, but I feel helpless. I like her being a nurse much better than me being her doctor. I don’t feel like I’m doing a great job for her.

  “Oh, God,” she groans lying down on the bathroom floor near the toilet. We’re going on day four of her waking up every morning and getting sick. Usually by mid afternoon she feels a bit better, and we think she’s over it, but then the a.m. rolls around and she’s sick again.

  I wet a washcloth in the sink and kneel down beside her on the floor, dabbing the rag along her forehead. “Maybe it’s food poisoning. We did eat Chinese food the other day.”

  “I’m so sorry, Josh. This is embarrassing. I hate you seeing me like this.” She hides her face and tries not to cry.

  I place a kiss to her forehead, scoop her up into my arms and carry her limp body into the bedroom. “You have nothing to be sorry for, pretty girl,” I tell her as I tuck her in.

  “I’m not pretty right now. I feel like crap,” she whines and curls into a ball.

  My heart hurts because she feels like that. I want so badly to make her better, but can’t. All I can do is comfort her, so I do. “You are always beautiful to me. Sleep, baby. Hopefully, you will feel better in the morning.” I climb in behind her and spoon her to me.

  “You’re so good to me,” she says, sighing contently and relaxing into my embrace.

  I brush her hair off her shoulder and place a kiss there. “Sweet dreams, baby.”

  She mutters something about her dreams coming true and falls asleep shortly after.

  Our lives are no longer wrapped up in ghosts and memories. It’s a warm, soft blanket of just us. Our love. Making our own memories.

  Riley turned nineteen on Sunday, and I’ve spent the entire week spoiling her. Memories of her birthday last year around this time in June give me the warm and fuzzies. She’s feeling better now, but since she couldn’t shake that virus for a while, I told her she deserves more than just a day for her birthday. She deserved an entire week. Therefore, I gave her one.

  We went swimming at the lake on Monday, which was fun, but not nearly as much fun as the night we were there alone losing our virginities one year ago. Tuesday, I took her to Six Flags after spending the entire day at the waterpark where I could hardly contain myself because Riley was wearing this barely there bikini that should have been illegal. I tried to cover her with a towel multiple times and she kept swatting at my hands and laughing at me. I didn’t want other pervy guys to look at her the way I was looking at her, which is always through X-rated goggles. She is something to look at—beautiful, sexy and exotic. She deserves a word that hasn’t yet been defined, or made up—something more than that, more than beautiful and sexy.

  Going to the amusement park with her was such a thrill and freeing. I don’t know what it was that made it that way. I think it was her…just her. She made it thrilling. I think it was freeing because for the first time since we’ve been boyfriend and girlfriend there was no question mark hanging over us. No expiration date or potential doom. I wasn’t leaving, and she wasn’t running. We were Josh and Riley—together forever!

  I’ve learned she’s a little temptress. A damn good one, too. She tried to make out with me on the roller coaster rides, especially the ones that were in the dark. I warned her that if she didn’t stop I’d reenact that scene in Fear when David fingers Nicole. She paused to gauge my seriousness—I was dead serious. Seeing that I wasn’t joking, a devilish little twinkle danced in her eyes. She liked the idea. My girl was bad sometimes and I loved it. I felt like we were on a roller coaster ride the entire day, even when we were just walking holding hands, touching one another in some way or another. I won her a stuffed animal and a Superman cape. She made me wear the cape thereafter because, well, she said I was her superhero. I lost my balls for a moment because I mentally thought…aww. I didn’t complain, or care that I looked ridiculous—I was her superhero. I said, “I look ridiculous, pretty girl,” and she said, “Ridiculous on you is just ridiculously sexy. Stop complaining and kiss me!” So I did. She laughed a lot, smiled a ton and the entire day was amazing.

  We spent a day watching movies, or pretending to anyway. It was hard to pay attention when your girlfriend was licking your neck and craving your attention. It became a mass of clothes to the side and a lot of sexy time on the couch, on the floor and in the kitchen. Again, not complaining. In fact, I think that day was probably my favorite. Lazy, naked and completely sated.

  We went to the Stockyards, which led to a night of dancing. I swear, it’s sexy as hell when Riley dances. She rolls her hips and grinds up against me so seductively that I fight the urge to take her then and there in front of everyone. She makes me lose control. Who am I kidding? She can look at me with those intense blue green eyes, bite her lip, giving me the come hither look and I’m done. Add that to touching me, hypnotic club music and her wearing those ripped shorts that give me a peep show, I was a goner and she knew it because she shocked me by unzipping my jeans on the way home to her apartment and placing her sweet mouth in my lap. I’ve learned she enjoys giving me pleasure. I enjoy the way she takes what she wants when she wants it.

  Today, Riley requested that I go with her to her appointment with her therapist. She opened up to me a while back that she has depression and that’s why she gets stuck in her head from time to time—going to that dark place. I can’t say that the news surprised me. What did surprise me was that she was asking for help. Riley doesn’t do that often. I’m so proud of her.

  “You know how I told you that I’ve been going to counseling with my mom?” she said. I nodded, “Well, um…the therapist thinks that I’m…that I need to…I don’t know how to tell you this.”

  I sat up, pulling her with me, “You just say it, Riley. Whatever it is we can deal with it together.”

  “She thinks I have depression. I know I have anxiety. I have panic attacks all of the time. She um…she wants me to see a real doctor and go on medicine. It’s like a chemical imbalance or something. That’s why I yo-yo back and forth at times. Some days are better than others and some days I’m just stuck.”

  “In your head…literally,” I said gently caressing her temple.

  She bit her lip. “M’hm. It’s why I get stuck in my head. Thinking too much. Worrying too much. All of it. It makes sense. I just don’t like it. I’m so happy with you, so in love with you. I’m so very blessed and yet I feel so sad sometimes. Angry even. I never could understand it,” she explained. We had been resting in the bed of my dorm room when she came to visit me. She said she wanted to tell me in person and drove hours just to inform me of something I think I’d already known. I loved that she was opening up to me.

  I tugged her onto my lap and tucked her hair out of her face with both of my hands. “Now you know why. I never told you this because it never seemed to matter really, but my mom suffered from depression when we were younger. She wasn’t the perfect mom, perfect wife, always-happy-person everyone thinks she was. There were some days she didn’t get out of bed. She didn’t understand it. She said t
he same thing you just did, that she was so happy, so blessed, but felt hollow. Then she got help and was better. She was on medicine for years.”

  She gasped jumping off of the bed. “YEARS?” Her eyes were wide and she covered her face, but I peeled her fingers away. “I don’t want to be like this for years, Josh,” she whispered, hopelessly.

  I stood in front of her and interlaced our fingers and held them between us. “See this?” I pointed out, looking down at our clasped hands. “Whether it’s a few days, months or even years, Riley. I’m here…with you…holding your hands. Now that you know why, you can fix it. And I will be right there beside you on your brightest days and your darkest days. Okay?”

  The tears she’d been holding back fell freely. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, or if I even do really deserve you. I do know, though, that I love you so much, Josh. I want to make you happy.”

  I grabbed her cheeks and kissed her nose. “You do, Riley. Every day. You’ve always and will always make me happy. I hope I make you happy. Do I?” I asked. I knew I did, but I needed reassurance from time to time.

  She grinned, “Duh! Of course.”

  “Then we’re good, pretty girl.”

  I went with her to that doctor’s appointment, missing two days of school to be there for her. I didn’t care. She needed me. Well, technically I drove her to the appointment and fidgeted in my seat in the waiting room. In the truck on the way home, she says it’s more anxiety than the blues. She was beyond nervous about going on medication, but agreed to do so. The doctor had explained the many side effects, which to be honest scared the crap out of her. She didn’t want to take them, “I’m going to be a zombie, Josh. I know that I said I hate feeling things and I drink to be numb, but is the solution to feeling numb taking pills?” she whined to me.

  I told her it was all going to be fine and she was worrying over nothing, then she told me the other side effect. “I’m might not want to have sex with you,” she said.

  I coughed, laughing because I thought she was joking.

  She clarified, “No, Josh. I’m serious. She said my sex drive could change. I might not want you anymore.”

  I gripped her chin, forcing her eyes to meet mine, “I will be the one driving and you will always want it. Pill or no pill,” I commanded. She knew better.

  She smiled, “I don’t need these pills, Josh because I have you to keep me in my happy bubble. Nothing can go wrong when we are together. It’s when we’re apart that my light dims.”

  “It’s okay to need help, Riley, and I’m here whether your light is dim, or shining bright. K, babe,” I assured her.

  Riley has been doing so well and I have noticed a lighter feeling about her on the medication. She’s not numb like she feared, though, she is a little different—a good different. She doesn’t seem to have as many dark days. Though, I don’t believe she will ever be healed completely, I do believe she has learned how to cope and is managing well. I’m sitting patiently in the lobby of the doctor’s office, as she talks to her doctor alone. I’m busying myself watching the news, which is depressing to be honest, so I flip through my phone and kill time with nonsense. Several minutes later she comes out of the office with a nervous smile on her face and so I ask, “Did it go okay?”

  Her eyes were cast down but they lift to mine. Something uncertain is hidden in her eyes. It makes me nervous. “Um…depends on your definition of okay, I guess,” she says vaguely.

  “And that means what, Riley?”

  She looks away at the exit. “It’s nothing. I can wean myself off the pills,” she says with a quiver of excitement. “I kind of need to now, so um…I am going to do that. I might be a psychotic bitch for a week or two. Fair warning.”

  I grab her hand as we walk out of the exit together. “I can handle your bitchiness. Why are you coming off of the pills, though?” I feel her hand squeeze mine slightly and her body tense next to me, though her face remains implacable.

  “Just because.”

  She doesn’t explain any more and I don’t pry. She doesn’t want to open up at this moment, and I’ve learned not to push. She will open up when she’s ready.

  Riley and I have been recording ourselves and uploading videos to YouTube for months now. We both set up Vine accounts, and have added our music and silliness there as well. It doesn’t take long for us to become verified and have thousands of followers. It’s crazy. She was right a while back when she said we’d become virtually famous. People are creating mp3 clips of our songs and adding them to their iPods to listen to. It’s nuts, and still hard to believe.

  It’s even harder to believe the attention we are now receiving in our hometown. Today, we’re playing on a local radio station, which webcast nationwide. Last week we were interviewed and played on the local news. I have a feeling, a strong suspicion, or hope I should say, that this is the start of our something crazy. It’s falling into our laps, and we don’t even need to chase it.

  Before our radio gig I am helping Collin and his mom move some furniture around at her lake house. Collin is going to ask Emily to move into the cottage like guesthouse in the back for the summer.

  “Dude, this place is pretty sweet. You think Em is going to move in with you?” I ask him as we carry in a leather sofa, his mom just bought.

  “To the left a little,” he directs.

  We set the sofa down and I wipe my forehead that is dripping in sweat. It’s hot out today. A shower is a must before picking up Riley, I muse to myself.

  “Actually, I was going to talk to you about that,” he says.

  “About what?”

  “My mom is spending the summer backpacking through America with her new boy toy. She’s rarely home as it is because she stays with him most nights,” he says making a face. I lift a brow and he adds with a frown. “I’m trying to not let it bother me, man. The guy is all right I guess. He’s seems like good people. Anyway…I was thinking Em could just move into the main house with me since it will be vacant pretty much and um, maybe you could move in here and play house with Riley. What do you think?”

  I am floored. “You want me and Riley to rent the cottage?”

  He shakes his head. “No, I just want y’all to live here. The house is paid for Josh. My mom doesn’t care. It would be fun, yeah?”

  “Uh, yeah. Just not sure Riley will say yes. Ya think she would?”

  “I know she would,” he assures me. “Besides, it has a piano from when my mom used to do music lessons. It has a bed and a kitchen…and a Jacuzzi tub. It’s an oasis for her. She’ll love the idea.”

  Hmm…I’m intrigued. We finish cleaning up the cottage and now that I am picturing Riley and I living in it, I move some things from here to there and get super excited about the prospect of being with her 24/7. Going to bed with her in my arms, waking her in the morning for sleepy sex. Bathing together in a Jacuzzi tub with jets. Jets vibrate, that could be interesting. Lounging by the lake in the hammock singing to her, or writing songs together. Playing house with Riley will be fun. I’m stoked.

  “I like this idea. I like it a lot,” I tell him.

  “Knew you would,” he adds with a wink.

  Collin is spending the evening with Emily, and so we ride together to the girls’ apartment, and I swear when we walk in the door my world stops turning and freeze-frames on this one sight, this one moment.

  Riley is on the room size rug in her apartment on her stomach facing Jellybean who is also on her tummy. She’s playing peek-a-boo with her and making her giggle.

  “Uh, hey,” I greet, feeling a little wobbly at the knees. I keep having these moments with her, where I’m watching her do something and the future flies behind my eyes at warp speed. A future where she is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen making her man some grub. No, that’s a lie. Barefoot and pregnant while I’m in the kitchen, and she’s resting on the couch because I’m taking care of her.

  “Hey,” she tosses over her shoulder. “Isn’t she adorable. I love her
laugh. It’s so cute,” she adds now leaning over her while blowing strawberry kisses onto her tummy. Jocelyn just cackles, reaching for her cheeks and curling into a ball. She’s right…it’s adorable.

  I can’t stop watching, both amused and full of adoration. Collin nudges me, “You got it bad, bruh.”

  “Huh?” I ask, pulling my eyes away from her.

  I find him smirking and nodding towards Riley. “I don’t know how I didn’t see this years ago. The way you look at her. She’s your keeper. I can hear the wedding bells and picture middle of the night feedings for you two.” He laughs and for a moment I panic on the inside. That’s a huge commitment. But really, has there been anyone else? No, she’s it. Today, tomorrow and every day for the rest of my life, she is my girl. The future doesn’t frighten me. It excites me. I’m ready to start it all with her.

  “Pretty girl?” I ignore his comments and turn back to her.

  “Mmm?”

  “Not that I’m not amused, or enjoying this little moment of cuteness. But um…did you forget we have an interview at the radio show in an hour?”

  She picks up Jellybean and places her on her hip. “I haven’t forgotten. My mom is on her way. She had some appointment out this way and asked me to watch her for a bit. The brats are both too busy being teenagers now. Did you know Jo has a boyfriend? I didn’t know that, but Tate is like all jealous because she doesn’t have one.”

  I instantly tense. My sister should not be dating boys. She’s too young. “Uh…”

  Riley laughs, “Josh, release your fists. It’s okay. They are in high school. Of course they like boys. Don’t you remember being that age?”